.:virtutis amore:.

Tom Forrester is in trouble and this time it isn’t my fault. I don’t know why I bothered to go and beat Pettigrew up! I suppose I did it because I thought it might teach him not to be such a gossip and not to bother the rest of the girls, but still, I hoped to save Tom’s badge, since he wouldn’t have been in trouble if he hadn’t been up in the tower with me. Although I really would like to know what kind of person assumes that someone’s been having it off just because her blouse is untucked in the middle of general chaos!

But Tom didn’t show up to the evacuation, and Warrington said that was the end of it, that he was going to lose his badge for sure. Warrington was losing his mind because Hadrian and Endymion were told to go with Jenica Popescu and Tom wasn’t there, which meant that he was responsible for all the boys in Avalon by himself, since Barty Cross was busy being important setting things up in the Great Hall, but he calmed down after he drafted Jeannot and Trelawney, and I asked Charis if this was like Tom (I was going to be very annoyed if I was involved with a cock-up again), and she said that it wasn’t. Why am I always attracted to cock-ups? Even Nat gets in more trouble than he should! So then I pointed out that he might actually be in trouble somewhere, and Charis said I could go and look for him because she trusted me not to get hurt. (Charis is awfully funny sometimes.)

But I can’t find him anywhere. Idiot. If he isn’t in trouble, he is now! Charis said to hurry back, because people will talk if we’re both missing, but I’m really worried, because everyone said Juliana and Michele (how funny that her mysterious lover is Yvon’s gormless friend!) sounded really worried, and I think they must be since otherwise I’m sure they’d have found some place to be by themselves by now, not to mention there won’t be a seminar even though we could all use some kind of entertainment.

I guess I should look in the closed shelves of the library, like Warrington said. He could be there and still need help. But how do I even get in there?

I really am just like all the rest of the Malaspinas and I don’t know how I feel about that any more. Yesterday and the day before I was almost jealous when I caught Nat talking to Juliana the way he was...but now that I’m not at the Manor any more and Nat’s not the only male in my general age range who is not a Leffoy, a Malaspina, a fata or a member of the Company, suddenly I feel like an idiot for even caring where his eye (or the rest of him) went wandering. And now I am really looking forward to going ‘patrolling’ with Forrester. Despite the fact that I was engaged to Alessio less than a week ago and that at that time he was the only person I’d ever done anything with, unless I counted kissing Kenjiro that night when we were all so drunk, or the way that sometimes when Antonetta kissed me—or shocked me—it felt a little bit like we were doing something, even though we weren’t…I’ve really changed, and I suppose I was serious when I decided to do this, to make myself feel things and get control of the things that I could be made to feel. (I should feel guiltier about Forrester, because Ximena wants him too. But she doesn’t seem to be very sure about it. And he didn’t require much persuasion.)

I’m Roman. I am. But not the virtue of the Republic, the decadence of the Empire. The girl I was this time last year would hate me now. But I know lots of things she didn’t know. I’m getting used to the idea that Nicodemo is my father. I’m starting to see that there are parts of me that come from him, not from Alvaro Benedetto, though I will always love him. I’m getting used to the fata, too. I recognised Alessio as my own when I met him, but he was my own kin; I just didn’t know what that felt like because the people I grew up believing to be my kin weren’t at all. Maybe I’ll even make peace with Yvon. Arianwen Rosier must think that I will.

And now it’s time for supper. Jeannot better not open up his mouth about Juliana again. I hear he’s a duellist who thinks he can break just about anyone. If he doesn’t shut up about her, I might just have a little surprise for Jeannot.

It’s been a long day. I feel satisfied. I was glad to be able to help them deal with Signora Thibault this afternoon, and tonight... We fought hard and we did well. Marco and Charis have cuts and scrapes and bruises, but they’re fine. Mercutio...

Mercutio is going to learn, someday, that I will always outdo him, or he’s going to die for his pride. That’s all there is to it. I told him not to follow me. Santino told him not to follow me too. And now he’s got a crack in his head and he’s full of drugs and he might or might not wake up again. I think he will. This time, I’ll make sure he does, if I have to. But not unless I have to. It would make him hate me more. And only this once.

Juliana de Marigny is upset. She won’t say it where Florian can hear, but if she’d been allowed to go down and close the gate sooner, the thing that cracked Mercutio’s head open, that only I could kill, might not have come here. But of course no-one can tell her that we just don’t know her well enough to know how far we can trust her. Maybe Endymion does. But he’s not in any position to discuss the matter right now; Nicodemo and Andromeda made him take laudanum and go to bed.

I wonder if she ever knew Nicolas. If she knows where he is right now. I miss him. And he’d understand about being a fool and running away and fucking everything up. For my father, no less. My father always said he was dead. But there isn’t a body. It wouldn’t still be invisible after he died.

I should sleep with Endymion, since Hadrian is gone; he shouldn’t be alone, and he’s safe with me, I’m a girl after all. But I want Nat. Fighting and getting hurt and recovering, over and over again, always has this effect on me. I’m amazed I can even write. Maybe this life’s not so bad.

I had to know. I had to know if he was capable of love. I had to know if he was capable of feeling anything.

I wanted to see his blood. I think they love each other. At least they have a chance to find out. I don’t care what they say about this. I’ve done the right thing.

Nat probably wonders where I went. Maybe I should go and find him. Endymion left his door unwarded, but he’s in a drugged sleep with nothing on but a satin mask to cover his eyes. I wanted to tell him I did it.

I wish Antonetta were here. Maybe I wish I could just go home, but it was all an illusion. I want my father, my mother, Nicolas, Antonetta, my stupid brother...even the dogs.

Or failing that, at least for them not to be dead.

La Donna was here and I have to decide if I want to go down to the wedding or not. She said I shouldn’t go if I can’t support Melina, that Melina has waited for this since she was a little girl, not just to get married but also to Marco, and she was kind enough not to remind me that she tried to warn me off. (I could forgive her being angry with me, and I know she is, though she won’t let it show. But she is furious with Katya and I hate that.) She says people will talk more about me if I don’t show up, but they’re going to talk anyway. She also said what Charis said, which is that I should tell people I cried off if I go. She promised she would get my interview with Edward Kyteler arranged as soon as possible.

I don’t think I believe in Destiny any more. Alessio was willing to die for me, I thought that was True Love, but why, if he was in love with someone else all along? Does he know what he feels about anything? I feel sorry for La Donna’s obnoxious son, or at least like he really deserves what he got. What’s worse, so do I. I haven’t spared a thought for the position my father is in, and he chose to be a fascist, but what about my mother and brother? If I’ve outwitted my father, have I made trouble for them that he couldn’t get them out of in time?

I trusted that this was right because it was Destiny. My whole family could be dead because I was impulsive and trusted Alessio and his Destiny, believing he knew what it was! They’re not my blood kin—but they are my real family. They took care of me. Did I do this because I know how wrong our country is and how evil we’ve become, or was it because Alessio made me feel things that nobody else ever did? Suddenly I understand why Sergio was able to get Antonetta to make such a fool of herself, and I’m just as stupid as she is. I had questions about what we were doing before I met Alessio, but somehow I never managed to get them asked. Why not? Yvon says Destiny is bullshit. I wish he weren’t right, but I think that maybe he is.

I wish I’d talked to Kenjiro, though he believes in Destiny too. Now I really wonder what it was that he wanted to tell me that day. Maybe I will find the raven. I’m glad I never told Alessio about that. I certainly wouldn’t trust him to find and save anyone.

No. That’s unfair. He’s pretty good at the finding and saving part. It’s the finding his arse in the dark with both hands afterward part that he fails.

Cara Antonetta,

I’m getting married tomorrow and I wish you were here and I don’t at the same time. You and Kenjiro were always my best friends, which is why I never write about you in my diary. He came to see me before I left. You didn’t. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised that you never came out to see me but it tells me something about you, about you and how much you cared. If you’d come out to see me before I left you would have been trying to kill me anyway, wouldn’t you, just like Josi and Talia did? You were right that I started to like it after a while, like it that you couldn’t hurt me, you could just make me feel things. I’ve always liked feeling things. But you don’t feel anything, do you? You’re empty inside. Maybe I like people like that, because sometimes I feel that Alessio is empty inside until he’s filled up with someone, but Alessio is at least someone when he’s not anyone else, and you’re...you’re not. I shouldn’t even be thinking about you right now.

Only the way it was when you and I and Josi and Talia stood up on the podium behind Evola in our long white dresses, with our golden helmets and spears. I suppose you still believe in it all. If you even believe in anything. I’ll never know what changed you. Why you turned so dark and different that even stupid Mercutio noticed it. My father said I should feel sorry for you, did you know that? That he’d never let me turn out like that. And of course I just nodded along because already even then I’d begun to figure it out, that he was a liar, that they were all liars. Sometimes it scares me to think I can’t die, because I’d rather die than be like you. Other times, I’d go to the ends of the earth if I thought I could save you. But I’m going to get married, instead.

Only sometimes I wish I could go do the same thing here that we used to do there. We did save people. We did. We did a lot of other things, and of course we only saved the people they wanted us to save. But we did save people. And I could still do that.

Normally I don’t have any trouble being awake this early but today, it’s difficult. La Donna was writing a very long letter while she was eating her breakfast and Alessio’s brother is still wearing the same suit he had on when I met him, although it’s been cleaned every day, thank the Gods. I don’t think they should go to the Academy, wherever that is, and not just because they’re taking Alessio away with them! They told her to rest and she was already writing letters at breakfast--it’s a wonder there wasn’t ink in the honey or honey on the parchment! But Alessio’s brother (the sourpuss—I love that word) says this is restful for her, and she says she’ll sleep on the way. I don’t believe it.

Melina was teasing me this morning, asking if I was sore, but of course I’m not. She says I am disgustingly lucky, but I told her I can’t have children and that shut her up, even though I don’t mind.

I want to go with him, with Alessio, because he needs me as much as they need him, and besides I want to meet the rest of his family. But Nicodemo (I might as well write his name, I just feel strange calling him that—I feel I ought to call him something else, but my mind goes blank when I try to think what) says that if I go to the Academy before I’m married they will try to keep me there. Alessio said so, too, and Marco and Melina, so I suppose I’m going to stay here and train with the Company and talk dirty talk with Melina, who wants to know all about it, the wench. But staying here is not like me. Normally I’d just go, because I always do what I want, but Alessio looked so afraid, that I realised I’d just be making things worse for him. So here I am, watching them all get ready to leave. I don’t like it. I hate to be left out of things.

Santino has the word from Nicodemo, in Britannia. We’ll be out of here before sunset. It feels like giving up. Italia is my home. Alessio says his family will love me, but even with the Ars Memoria, I’m still not good at English. I’ll never see my friends and family again. But I chose Alessio. And we have to take him where he can be healed. We’ve captured the sword Talia cut him with. Magistra Lindoria Gallinaro—the Company healer—says that it cut through his astral and aetheric bodies as well as his physical one, and that’s why she can’t get his leg to grow back. And the wound is poisoned somehow, so that when they do get something to grow it’s not human. He might be like this for the rest of his life.

I don’t want to think about that. He says it’s all right if I leave him, if they can’t grow it back. But I couldn’t. He was wounded because he saved my life. Nobody else would have run in front of that sword for me. Nobody else in the Company would have believed it could hurt me, and nobody outside the Company cares about me, any more. Except maybe Kenjiro. His loyalties haven’t been certain for ages now.

Lindoria says this weapon was made specifically to destroy me. Does this mean that Evola and Ficino were planning all along to kill me when I was no longer useful? Did Pappa know about this? (I know he’s no blood relation to me, but I thought he loved me anyway. Was I only a tool he collected? Antonetta’s father treats her like that, but she is his blood relation.) Did Mamma know about this? But Mamma is so forgetful. Who knows what Mamma used to know? I’ll be able to think more clearly after I’ve had a real bath and slept in a real bed. Lindoria says I need a rest from fighting, but I like it. I don’t know what will happen out here if we leave.